what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
