i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
