you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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