he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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