ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
