just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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