so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
