you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Rumble strips road head = magical
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
