Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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