he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
