It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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