she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.