Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.