good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
