turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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