Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.