I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
