Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
