I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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