Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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