Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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