My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
