did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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