the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
