just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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