everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
