i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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