she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
