Do you still have your period?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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