I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Life is so much better after having sex.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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