If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
