Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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