sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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