I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
