I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
a search helicopter?!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
