theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
