genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
