I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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