Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
