he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
