I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
