And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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