I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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