I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
