i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
