I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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