So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
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For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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