I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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