my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
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You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
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I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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