I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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