your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
