i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
