A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
