Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
