in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
