Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
