i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
