My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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