I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
