carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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