phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
