He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
