I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
