im gay
i know
yea but for you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
