You just made me feel so damn special
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
